Seulgi, my bias

I had a dream last night. In the dream, Seulgi from Red Velvet had gone rogue in a totalitarian male dominating society. She has to pass through military border control. The other rogue females tell her that it's too hard, she's doomed to fail. She shouldn't do it if she values her life.  With fierce determination and agility she infiltrates into the facility. She proceeds to break the neck of the first officer. As she is completing the task, she realizes there is no reaction from the other officers at all. Upon close examination, she suddenly realizes the other officers are just scarecrows. Apparently the government currently is having issues with funding and at the moment cannot afford to assign more than one officer per control facility. Seulgi bursts out laughing. This incident becomes the first step for the upcoming revolution.

My room

I have a room here. I own half of a mini-fridge.

The room is not small. But I have many books, clothes, kitchenware, junk food. Inside the room, there is nothing that is not full of something.

I keep the room in order. I vacuum and wipe the surfaces once a week. It never feels fully clean, neither does it feel dirty.

I clean the bathroom whenever I have mental energy to spare. That attributes to an average of once a week, but sometimes I skip weeks.

Kitchen is always horrible. I gave up on kitchen. My diet is almost exclusively comprised of frozen pizza. Recently I checked my finances and found out that I use up almost all my salary on food. I never calculate how much money precisely goes to it. I assume that since I'm almost 30 years old and have been poor long enough, I should at least be able to buy whatever I want from the market. Not a perfectly sound logic.  

Everything in this tiny 2-person flat smells a particular way. Bathroom has a damp odour. It's not disagreeable nor pleasant. Kitchen always feels claustrophobic and everything is stained with a thick layer of oil that doesn't come off.

My flatmate's moldy bread usually stands at the middle of the kitchen table. Monthly, the moldy bread is exchanged with another -soon to be moldy- bread. My flatmate is a particular person, I never see him. He never throws away or cleans anything. Empty toothpaste tubes, shampoo bottles etc. pile up for months until I eventually throw them away. I found such existence unimaginable when I first moved in. Now I know such thing is quite possible and mundane, partly through experience.

I like my room. I think it has a cozy, friendly vibe. I have nice lights and posters.

S-Bahn station is directly in front of our building. It is a bit noisy, but it doesn't bother me much. The bridge the railway passes through has a pleasant green that I enjoy looking at. There are some grafittis as well. On the other side of the street there are offices.  I find beauty in looking at the very urban view through my window. Often there is no hint of sun for weeks, it gets somewhat suffocating then. I'm relatively used to it now.

My life here is not unbearable. Sometimes I feel very well. More than sometimes, I feel inanimate objects in my room are more familiar to me than humans in this city and I want to leave. I live on, I am grateful to the things I have. 

Somewhere with Palm Trees

As of today, I will try to write a few lines here a couple times per week.

Today on the way home from a dinner with friends, I was stopped by a gesticulating guy at the U-Bahn station to grab my attention, since I had my headphones on. He seemed to be around his early 40's or ill-treated 30's.

He asked me if I had a ticket for the tube as I took off my headphones. I told him I had one. Then he asked for some change. I gave him the coins I had.

'Before you leave' he said 'do you have a minute?'. 'Sure' I said reluctantly. Enthusiasm is exploited on streets as you know.

He asked me where I'm from. I told him my nationality. He said 'cool!' with a surprisingly genuine tone. Many Germans get startled when they hear I'm Turkish, especially since I have blue hair now. The rest remain indifferent.

Then cometh the ultimate question: 'What do you think of Erdoğan?'

I smiled politely, told him that I don't support him. We talked about the political situation a bit. He didn't have well-informed opinions, though his heart was in the right place, so it's all fine. I told him something along the lines of 'Don't consider people of Turkey to be all like him.' He replied he always considers everyone individually. 'Important thing is to be human.' he said. 'I am actually a punk, I had a Mohawk. But now I got rid of it, coz it's hard to find flats to rent when you look like that you know. I lived in Turkey for a bit. People always asked me if I had a place to stay, offered me food etc. They were really nice.'

He also told briefly of the time he hung out with some punks when he was in Nürnberg.

Finally he suggested we grab a beer (or optionally *snorting gesture*). The whole day he is collecting tickets from passengers who are done with their commute and sell it to passengers without tickets. He's bored, it would be cool to hang out.

I declined of course, wished him a very nice evening. Why did I decline? Because I'm tired from work already, my soul is depleted. Because I'm an introvert. Because I'm a conformist, I cannot handle the potential risk of accepting such a proposal on my mental stability.

I wish I wasn't though. I wish I could get more out of life. I wish him all the best.


***

Song of the day:

I discovered this song today. It's a nice collaboration from K-Pop giants Taeyang & Zico. I look forward to the music video.

Marjinalliği bir kaçış yöntemi olarak kullanmayan, akıl sağlıkları yerinde, toplumun -tırnak içinde- kazanan bireylerinden oluşan; fakat marjinallik yapan insanlar lazım sağlam bir felsefeyle. Poligami yapan insanların böyle antin kuntin tipler değil de normal tipler olması gerek.

What's the point of going to a bar? What's the point of getting exposed to the loud music that makes it so hard to hear others? Why are we supposed to consume alcohol in there? What is so tempting about people touching each other due to drunkenness?  Is it a state that we want to be in? Is it possible to hold an interesting discussion in this state? Honestly, what the fuck?  Why? 

I look forward to getting old, so that I won't be obliged to be in such fucking places.

Gözlerimin önündeki duman tabakası beni sersemletiyor, gerçek renkleri görmemi engelliyormuş gibi hissediyorum. Asıl varolanın silüeti, gölgesi gibi hissediyorum. Duman tabakasını gözümün önünden silkelemek, keskin renklere bakmak, güçlü duygular hissetmek istiyorum. Uzay boşluğunun milyonlarca kilometrelik sonsuz hiçliğinde sürüklenmek istemiyorum, hızla devinen rengarenk gezegenlerin üzerinde olmak istiyorum.

Sanki Jüpiter'den Venüs'e erişmeye çalışıyoruz. O kadar da iddialı değiliz. Rasgele sabitlenmiş molekül kombinasyonunun emirlerimize kulak verdiği bu avg. 70 yıllık sürede güneşin içine attırmaya falan çalışmıyoruz. Venüs'e ulaşsak yeterli. (Neden yerimizde durmuyoruz? Venüs'te ne var?) Ama ne bileyim Mars'a gelmişiz mesela bir şekilde. Dünya'ya doğru yoldayız. Bir anda farkediyoruz ki dünyaya olan mesafe bir değil onlarca yüzlerce insan yaşamının yetmeyeceği ölçüde uzun. Ve boşlukta sürükleniyoruz. Mars arkamızda, dünya önümüzde. Görebiliyoruz. Ama orada değiliz, hiçbir zaman da olamayacağız. 

İSYAAAAAAN ehehe bari güzel bir kitap olsa da okusam :/

Francis Underwood: After all, we are nothing more or less than what we choose to reveal. What I am to Claire is not what I am to Zoe, just as Zoe is not to me what she is to her father.

Son 3 gündür geceleri rüzgar serin esiyor. Çocukluğumdan beri yazın bitimi beni hüzünlendirir. Bu yazın bitimiyle hayatımın yazı da son buluyormuş gibi geliyor. Aptalca, ama öyle hissediyorum. Ekim ayında Hamburg'da doktoraya başlıyorum.

Türkiye'de olduğum son 8 ayda mutluydum. Rehber öğretmen olarak bir serviste, sonrasında bir iddaa bayisinde çalıştım. Kürek çektim. Arkadaşlarımla vakit geçirdim. Şimdi saadetim sona eriyor. Basit problemlerimin yerini yeniden yalnızlık, arayış ve yabancılaşma alacak. Bu durum beni o kadar rahatsız etmiyor, ama hüzünlüyüm işte. Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forwards.

Birkaç hafta önce cumartesi günü dil kursu çıkışında birkaç arkadaşımı aradım, antreman için buluştuk. Spor salonunda da birkaç kişiyle karşılaştık. Hoş bir topluluk oluşturmuş olduk. Muhabbet ettik, beceriksizce ama eğlenerek futbol ve basketbol oynadık. Ağırlık yaptık, salondaki kızlara baktık. Çıkışta Ankara'nın gözbebeği AVM'lerinden birinde beraber yemek yedik. Yine kızlara baktık. Laser Tag oynadık. Muhabbet ettik. (Kızlara baktık.) Çok güzeldi. (It's such a perfect daaaay) Hayatta bundan fazlasını istemiyorum. Beraber olalım, antreman yapalım, muhabbet edelim, yemek yiyelim.

 Nasıl olacak da daha fazla kilo almayacağım acaba? Yemek yemeyi seviyorum ve deniz kenarında yaşamıyorum. Simitlerim olacak mı? Hem özenip hem küçümsediğim hipster hayat tarzını bir noktada sosyal paternlerime entegre etmeye çalışacak mıyım? Sky Ferreira'yı çok seviyorum.

Herkesi seviyorum, nefret ettiklerimi de. Son 26 yılda çok zor bir hayatım olmadı. Buna rağmen bazı noktalarda zorlandığımı hissettim, üzüldüm, bunaldım, karşılıklı anlayış ve sevgiyi bulamadığımı düşündüm, yetersiz hissettim. Bunları hepimiz yaşıyoruz. Hepimiz üzülüyoruz ve elmizden geleni yapıyoruz.